STV: "committed to continuing policy of not actually making programmes"

Scottish Television this week reacted with some incredulity on hearing the broadcasting regulator Ofcom was reducing the number of programmes STV has to make to fulfill its public charter obligations.

A spokesstudioone told The JT: "To be honest, it's years since STV bothered actually making programmes, so further cutting the existing number of local programmes from its current level i.e. nane, won't be too much of a stretch to be honest."

The new, more liberal regime does allow the station to speed up the move towards streamlining its televised output: as a vehicle for advertising phone-in competitions.

"We are thinking of rebranding the station for its new role as a sort of televisual bingo hall, "scratch card TV" has a ring to it, don't you think?"

Inside: It's competition time! "STV programmes are (a) a load of shite (b) a load of pish or (c) a load of pish and shite.
Calls will cost a minimum of your mortal soul and lines are open until hell freezes over."