"Broadcaster Muriel Gray and her family had to be rescued when their boat sank as they watched the QE2 in Greenock on its farewell tour of the UK." BBC NewsClyde based rescue services admitted today that they were forced to rescue professional nippy sweetie Muriel Gray as her family boat sank.
Speaking to The JT, a spokeslifepreserver said :"Along with everyone else who cringes every time Muriel appears on the telly, moaning her tits off about something, we would have preferred to have taken no action. However, because her innocent children and spouse were also on board the stricken vessel we were sort of pushed into rescuing torn-scone face as well. Sorry."
It is thought that the rescuers acted correctly throughout, suppressing, through sheer professionalism, the perfectly understandable human instinct to throw Muriel a lifebelt made of lead.
The rescuers will now receive post-traumatic stress therapy to help them come to terms with the awful legacy of their actions - Muriel's forthcoming 26-part TV series, " How I took on the Clyde river and won."
Inside: Years ago, when the world was made of wood, Muriel fronted a TV show called "The Tube". This was before irony had been invented...