Scottish Secretary Jim Murphy this week attacked the SNP over its opposition to nuclear power and insisted: "Iam living proof that you can be exposed to radiation over long periods and still look quite human. Sort of."
As the attending media edged towards the door of the press conference, Mr Murphy went on :" My dad built nuclear power stations in South Africa and, as a boy I used to play in the isotope dump we kept out the back. I've taken a daily drink of strontium 90 for as long as I can remember and its never done me any harm. Although to be honest, my short term memory's gone."
Mr Murphy further revealed to a now empty room that politics had not been his first choice of profession : " as a young man I wanted to be an actor. I remember going up for the part of Lurch in a stage production of The Addams Family and the producer saying that I'd got the part and I could take the make -up off. Imagine his surprise when I told him I wasn't wearing any! And you will just have to imagine his surprise because at that point he ran out of the room screaming."
Elsewhere on planet it- gloweth- in- the- dark, a British nuclear sub managed to crash into a French nuclear sub in the North Atlantic earlier this month.
In a show of chutzpah that takes this week's prize, a naval spokeshornpipe actually went on record to say that the collision showed that the stealth mode on the boats really worked well, since they each didn't know where the other was.
Truly, satire is rendundant.
Inside: This is also true. A "British defence journalist", whatever the fuck that is, told the BBC, that while the UK and US share location codes (where the subs are relative to each other) the French aren't told. Quite right, can't trust the bally French, look what they did at Agincourt etc.
Lurch off The Addams Family
The other bloke