Monday, 5 September 2011

Do try to keep up


"I was thinking of  more of a  fuschia shade"


With the Forth Rail Bridge finally painted forever, my so-called rivals are now searching for a new metaphor to describe a never ending task. Metaphor and simile, we got there first. This from February 2008.




Forth Rail Bridge paint job finishes : search for new simile begins
 Engineers working on the historic Forth Railway Bridge confirmed this week that it will no longer be necessary to continuously re-paint the iconic structure.
It is thought that over time, the long-lasting paint will save cash, but, in the short-term the news has sparked the search for a replacement simile as Professor You-Should-Know-Who-By-This-Time now explains:
"For generations, Scottish children have been encultured into understanding the parameters of a task that is, by its very nature, unending, through use of the painting the Forth Railway Bridge simile. With that simile cruelly rendered redundant by uncaring scientists fucking about and improving paint technology, its like a massive flow of lava has been poured into the heart of our culture, burning it to ashes.
OK, I know we're only one simile short but I thought you'd want a really dramatic simile."
The search now begins to find a suitable replacement simile that communicates the idea of being engaged in a never-ending task. "We could revert to using the Augean stables simile but that one is foreign in origin and therefore rubbish."
It is to be hoped that JT readers will think up and send in suitable replacement similes over the coming weeks, months, years and millennia, because the editor of The JT is completely blanking on it.
It is thought the search for an appropriate new simile will be like doing something that's really hard.
Meanwhile, industrial archaeologists have unearthed the real reason why the bridge has traditionally been re-painted continuously. Here is an extract from the journal of the bridge engineer on the day the structure was completed:
"With the last rivet in place, the last tie secured, today should have been a day for celebration, as I intended when I invited my lady wife to view the bridge, truly a wonder of the age. Imagine the sense of crushing disappointment when she merely sniffed disdainfully and remarked: "Well, I don't like the colour very much…"
Inside: Search for new simile likely to be Herculean task. Or do I mean metaphor?

1 comment:

The Paper Boy said...

Surely there's a perfect adjective anyway... "sisyphean".

Sisyphus being a man punished by the gods who compelled him to roll an immense boulder up to the top of a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this throughout eternity.