Sunday, 23 December 2012

Review of the year: now with added pictures!

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I say thank Christ for that. 

January

Ruth Davidson, who shall feature again later in 2012, weirds everyone out by claiming that Scotland's referendum on independence/separation shall determine the nation's history for the next 1000 years!  To be honest there's a bit of a Reichy vibe going on there Ruth...
She also demonstrates her fab new gadget, The Oxter of Radiance, capable of turning her enemies into piles of smoking ash or something.












February

Ex-RBS boss said to be angered at criticism of his role the banking bail-out, where in an amusing volte-face we lent the banks money and they don't have to pay it back! Hurrah for the banks!















March

You know how Tories are just  warm, naturally  huggy people? No, I'd never heard that story either. Here's Ruth and Theresa demonstrating how to embrace while simultaneously backing the fuck off.
















April

Just before every politician in the land conveniently forgot all those times they'd met up with Rupe, said Rupe told The Leveson Enquiry that he found Oor Alex to be "an amusing guy".















May

Just before confidently (and wrongly as it turned out) predicting that The SNP would take control of Glasgow City Council, here we see Gnasher in happier times. She's standing next to one Allison Hunter, lead SNP candidate, who hadn't bothered working out what policies to implement if elected. 
Mercifully the electoral fates conspired  to relieve Allison of that potential burden.





June

Despite its manifest abilities to create on-going omnishambli, ("Dear Auntie Beeb, could you fix it for me to have access to young kids for thirty years, now then, now then etc") I remain fond of the BBC. Below, classic case of underplaying the visual impact. 'mon the subs!















July

Prior to discovering winning ways against Federer, Andy Murray demonstrated losing ways against Federer earlier in the month. Here we see the awfulness of Roger's specific continuing predicament sink in.



August

Yosser Hughes (to priest): "I'm desperate father."
Priest: "Please, call me Dan."
YH: "I'm desperate Dan. " 
Bye Dan....






















September

It's not so much a case of where do you start with Craig Levein, it's more a case of where do you finish?
As he came under increasing pressure, every contact he had with the media became first an exercise in passive aggression before quickly moving on to just aggression. Philosophy students yet unborn will struggle to make sense of Craig's comments of the 11th September:
"In an ideal world, and I'm maybe a bit of an idealist, for our players to play at their best they need confidence. Confidence comes from results but it also comes from knowing people are backing you, supporting you." 


















October

They bestrode Scotland's political landscape like colossi! But wee colossi really...




















November

I blame Steven Spielberg, or more specifically Saving Private Ryan. Because after that thantic gore fest came out, it became de riguer not only for politicians the world ower to turn up at memorial days, looking extra-sad, but, more importantly to be seen to turn up. And through the alchemy of mixing up remembrance and politics, the politician is miraculously transformed. Or perhaps not...














December

No December pic for you, you naughty children. But a quick note on admin. The Web Mistress has decided on my behalf that I'm  to start tweeting which is apparently a thing in these days of jet packs and rocket ships. Anyway, look out for them. 
Be good, do good. See you on the other side, inshallah.

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

EDINBURGH TRAMS: Operator admits, speed still an issue...












Inside: See that Docklands Light Railway in That London? You'd be quicker walking. Backwards, while wearing a blindfold. The line's strapline should be "I train you long time..."

Monday, 17 December 2012

Oh God... Just too good.


Thankfully, they didn't market this product in bags. (Thanks to Highland Pete for this jewel, family sized, two of.)


Thursday, 13 December 2012

From The BBC (Almost)


Anger over 'champagning' stunt at St Andrews University

The students running along the West Sands to mimic the opening scene of Chariots of FireThe wankers running along the West Sands to mimic the opening scene of Chariots of Fire
A group of wankers have been accused of tarnishing St Andrews University's reputation with a video where they pour bottles of champagne over their heads.
Students from other parts of the UK have been posting videos online where they tip milk over their heads.
It is understood the St Andrews wankers were trying to show they were more affluent by turning the "milking" trend into "champagning".
The students' association's president said he was furious at the prank.
Freddie Fforde said their actions had undermined efforts to attract people from all backgrounds to St Andrews.
Seven wankers are seen in the YouTube video, which has now been removed, wasting 25 bottles of what appears to be champagne.
Mr Fforde told the BBC Scotland news website: "I am furious about this because of all the work students and I have done to encourage students from all backgrounds to apply here.
"This video has undermined our image and undoes a lot of good we have done.
"I have spoken to the wankers involved and they realise they have made a massive mistake. They are very embarrassed about it and have gone into hiding."
Inside: Only at St.Andrews would the president of the student association be called Freddie Fforde. Which gives me an excuse to re-cycle an very old gag:"How many St. Andrews' students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to mix the pink gins the other to phone the porters' lodge."

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

"Ce n'est pas..." Bruce statue to be re-imagined in well thought out plan...

"Man on horse..."
The renovation of the  Bruce statue at Bannockburn was completed this week, with the artist concerned going for a more modern approach. Pausing only to put down his chisel the spokessculpter told The JT:
 " We thought that the Bruce statue had to reflect the development of equestrian statuary in modernist art. So we've gone not so much for cubism as oblongism."
"Ce n'est pas un homme sur un cheval..."











It is thought that the  resulting strange monolith will prove popular, especially with coach parties from Alloa, who are expected to become very excited, hoot loudly and throw animal bones into the air. Much like any other Saturday night in Drysdale Street if truth be told...

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

God knows I need the numbers

but there is a limit. My supery-dupery tracking software spotted a visitor who'd come to The JT via a rather, (cough), specialised Google query. Just for the record, we've never drawn attention to Sally's love pillows. Not once. 
Ever.


Thursday, 29 November 2012

And as







the renovation of the Bruce statue at Bannockburn continues, the craftsman concerned grows ever more desperate to make conversation with his client.


Tuesday, 27 November 2012

St. Andrews University:a statement

Faced with media reports of the university's continuing failure to recruit students from deprived areas, a spokesgown for St.Andrews told The JT:  "We're going to make a determined effort to make the university a more welcoming place. We accept that the current design of the university coat of arms may be somewhat off-putting to potential students from poorer backgrounds":













However, the spokesgown insisted that the university would not relax its stringent entrance requirements:" We will not relax our stringent entrance requirements. Students from deprived areas are urged to gain an education at a minor English public school, have parents who are  fuckin' loaded and ski every year in Gstaad."

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Well done BBC Scotland!

No, really, the suits have played a blinder in sacking Iain Macdonald, the corp's Highlands reporter. 
Iain, according to reports, has been with the station for 30 odd years, but he's now deemed surplus to requirements, and I for one shall mourn his passing.
 In a sea of bland, airbrushed tailors' dummies united only in their weird intonation-  MAkinG every SENtence A bewildeRING Homeric odyssey in a search for meaning, Iain stood out. Not only because he delivered English that was clear, unfussy and just  told the story but also because Iain looked like a real human being.
 How can I put this without seeming unkind? We may often remark that someone's face looks lived in, Iain's coupon looks like someone broke in and wrecked the joint. But, at least you could imagine having a pint with Iain. With some of the cyborgs reporterbots that have survived the cuts, you wouldn't want to risk having their circuits interact with liquid. 
As Highland Peter remarked this morning, the "need" to make cuts at BBC Scotland doesn't seem to reach the Lets Follow Andy Murray Around The World jollies that some BBC staff are given to enjoy. Its an ill-divided world right enough, a fact that Mr Macdonald has cruel acquaintance with.



Thursday, 22 November 2012

From The BBC:" Two pasties, a sausage roll and some millionaire's shortbread please, hen."


 A  Labour MSP who shouted "you're out of order" at Holyrood's presiding officer has been suspended for "gross discourtesy".
Michael McMahon was banned from the chamber for the day for his comments to Tricia Marwick on Wednesday evening.Mind you, if the photo accompanying this story is anything to go by, its Greggs the fat twat wants banning from...
Michael McMahon
Inside: Fancy a fat sweaty cop then? Oh, go on have two:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQM-OTVUMHs

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Smile and the world smiles with you...

or alternatively, don't give a fuck. 
Lifetime winner of the JK Rowling "I'll scowl if I want to Challenge Cup", your Princess and mine, Anne at yesterday's Murrayfield game.













And, if you could look at that without thinking of this, then rest assured your knghthhood's probably  in the post...



Thursday, 15 November 2012

Its official! He is a fat shark!

Whatever the head-set equivalent  of a cap fitting is, this is it. 
BTW, if you watch the full clip at BBC News, you'll see The Dear Leader whipping the head-set off sharpish, presumably as realisation dawned. 

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

"Testing, testing, one, two, three..." (From The BBC)



The chairman of Stow College in Glasgow has resigned after a row over a recorded conversation on a device branded a "spy-pen".
Kirk Ramsay is stepping down, blaming an "unwarranted personal attack" by Education Secretary Mike Russell.
It is thought Mr Ramsay will now be free to pursue his dream career -selling security surveillance products at his local Maplins
Mr Ramsay told The JT:" I never really wanted to be a chairman of a Stow College. I've always been fascinated by covert surveillence and secretly recording conversations. Maplins is a market leader in this field and I look forward to advising customers on the benefits of applying hidden or disguised recording devices in  sensitive situations.Its always wise to record these exchanges because it speeds up the process of getting fired later." 
Mr Ramsay then invited The JT's editor to speak closely into a flower pinned to his lapel but the editor wasn't going to fall for that old trick.
Mr Ramsay now free to dress as he wishes.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

The classical description for

a  big flock of starlings in flight  is a murmuration.












The non-classical description for a big flock of starlings in flight  is fuckin' hunners.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

JT exclusive! (From The BBC)


SNP leader Alex Salmond said he was proud to be Scotland's longest-serving first minister but he had no intention of going "on and on" in the post.
In interviews with the BBC, the politician added he had no immediate plans to "depart the scene" with the independence referendum due in 2014. In interviews with The JT he  added that he intends to depart the post of FM just before Hell freezes the fuck over, or Scotland manages to qualify for a international soccer tournament. Whatever happens first. The smart money's on the Hell thing.

Monday, 5 November 2012

"Why Mr Darcy, among polite society in Coatbridge the talk is of little else..."


This is a real thing apparently.
Its a Buckie bottle turned into a clock. Why is this even a thing? (Thanks to Highland Pete for the heid's up).


Sunday, 4 November 2012

The towering intellect that is Peter Houston

For those of you lucky enough not to be Scottish and/or interested in fitba', Peter Houston is manager at Dundee United. 
Peter also serves as assistant manager of the national team- that's "Scotland, no passport required." Peter is good friends with "under-fire" (etc) Scotland manager Craig Levein and, well, just check out the paragraph below taken from Peter's interview with Skintland on Sunday

Now, let us assume that the hack putting the interview together did a quick edit and therefore  that this extract is actually more coherent than Peter's original reasoning. 
Anyone who can work out the logic in Peter's argument really needs to award themselves a big fuckin' clock. Really.
Anyway, the quote reads: "But I think it’s too easy for a lot more people to express their opinions now. Every club has a forum and then there are the phone-ins and, although people are entitled to their opinion, the problem comes when we give them too much credence. Unfortunately it’s often the same few people and some of them don’t even go to the games, they just see a scoreline and make a judgment on that. Even those who have been at the game and are screaming about so and so not starting don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes."

So, by Peter's reasoning you can't have an opinion on the match if you're weren't there and you can't have an opinion if you did attend. Okay. That makes perfect sense if you append to Peter's argument :"Oanybuddy who wants ma pal Craig sacked can jist fuck the fuck aff!"
See? It now makes perfect sense.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

What next? Melting clocks? (From The BBC)

Highland cow

Highland bull makes Halloween visit

Residents in a South Lanarkshire street call in animal welfare officers after finding a Highland bull in their garden on Halloween.The bull was accompanied by Renee Magritte who insisted:"Ce n'est pas un taureau."

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Wow!

Look at this email I  just got, two minutes ago! Look at the price of a flight to New York! 
I'm definitely going to grab a flight to NYC!












Oh. Wait a minute. Er,I tell you what. Just forget I said anything...

Sunday, 28 October 2012

"The King Herod Home for vulnerable children"

OK, I know they didn't know it at the time, but as a sidebar to a story on the BBC website reporting that Savile's cottage in Glencoe had been vandalised, its also reported that the charitable trust that now owns the cottage had some plans for it, before all the horror of this deviant's "hobby" was revealed.  
The BBC report notes:"the cottage was to be sold earlier this year but the sale was halted by Savile's charitable trust, who announced plans to convert it into a respite centre for the disabled."
 Yeech. God knows history makes fools of us all, but talk about dodging  a bullet...

It might be better now just to demolish the old monster's Highland lair on purpose before the locals do it anyway. They have very long memories around Glencoe way, very long...

Inside: Anyway, enough of that man. Some time ago a mate of mine, of  a Macdonald sept, wrote into The Guardian on the perfidy of the Clan Campbell in general and of the then infamous Alastair Campbell in particular. Wullie, (for it was he), signed off by conceding that the family "do make good soup though."
Last year, your editor, responding to a largely laudatory account of the clan published, again in The Guardian, wrote in with  the following;"Did Angus Peter Campbell (The shame of the Campbells, G2, 13 February) give us the whole story of his clan's history or just the condensed version?"
And fuck me but the paper published the letter! Which makes it one out of about eleventy million.

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Xxnay on the resignay: From The BBC


A senior SNP MSP has urged two former colleagues to quit parliament, after they resigned from the party over its new policy of backing Nato membership.
Christine Grahame said John Finnie and Jean Urquhart, who now sit as independents, should leave Holyrood, under the SNP code of conduct. Party Leader, Alex Salmond, already faced with a majority now reduced to one, invited Ms Grahame to shut the fuck up already...

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

We're normally not at home here

to Mr Sad News, but we couldn't pass on marking the passing of Michael Marra at the nothing age of 60.
 The long term reader of The JT will remember that I've long argued that Hermless, Michael's tribute to the wee quiet men should be our national anthem. The compiler of the YT clip below obviously thinks so too. Time to start a petition perhaps. 
Bye Michael...



Tuesday, 23 October 2012

From The BBC

The UK Education secretary Michael Gove has apparently apologised to a teacher at Robert Gordon's for being a "clever dick" as a pupil. Ahem. Leaving aside the obvious retort, "so what's changed?" let us move on.

No apology is forthcoming from Michael however for his greatest crime against humanity: I refer of course to his face, the face one would never tire of punching. Seriously, my knuckles ache just looking at that face. 
Shame on you Michael for making my hand ache so.

Photograph accompanying the dictionary entry;"Face, dick."

Saturday, 20 October 2012

SNP: Scotland to stay in Nato, Tharggian High Command said to be shitting themselves.

Invasion of The Earth by the expansionary Tharggian Empire was called off today on the news that an independent Scotland would stay in Nato. 

A spokestentaclething for the Tharggian High Command told The JT via some telepathic-type device: "Even travelling at just below light speeds, our battle fleet wasn't due to arrive in Earth orbit until after the 4th deno quadsec, or 2014 in Earth time. But now we've heard the an independent Scotland intends staying inside a super-army like Nato- well, fuck that for a game of soldiers. We've cancelled the whole thing and we're going to rethink the whole galactic conquest idea. It might not actually be the best for us really."

Professor Beaker commented:" By voting to stay in Nato, the SNP have demonstrated their maturity in making a completely meaningless gesture in a world where Scotland is more likely to get invaded by a fellow Nato member than by some external threat.
I'm now taking bets as to when SNP high command display further maturity be deciding that Trident can remain in Scotland provided Alex gets to stand on a sub conning tower looking butch."
A Tharggian, shitting himself, yesterday.


Thursday, 18 October 2012

A Marmite moment

OK, so here's the thing. I know people who think this guy's work is just rotten and then there's people like me who think his stuff's really funny. Its likes Marmite, doesn't like Marmite, you decide.
On a personal note, we had an American friend once attempt to pronounce Stronaclachar.
Oh happy, happy days. Anyway, time to sample those malts... Sorry I can't do anything about the sizing...

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Quickly nurse! The screens! From today's Skintsman...


Scotland V Belgium: Craig Levein backs Scots 

to win in Brussels, then given tablet and 

sent for nice lie down...

Craig Levein says he has confidence in the Scotland squad
Craig Levein says he has confidence in the Scotland squad and in those nice men in  the white coats...



















Inside: Of course, if we do sneak a win, we'll have every confidence in the manager...

Sunday, 14 October 2012

From The BBC:in-no-way-inappropriate historical analogy coming right up...


Ex SNP leader Gordon Wilson attacks gay marriage


Related Stories

A former SNP leader has attacked plans to introduce gay marriage, branding them "a step towards fascism".Gordon Wilson told The JT. "Gay marriage is a step towards fascism. Just look what happened in Nazi Germany with gay people getting special treatment what with them mincing about wearing pink badges to make them look special and they were the first to go on those long-stay breaks at the special holiday camps Hitler had set up."

Friday, 12 October 2012

Now then, now then....


Dear JT editor, could you fix it for me to read a piece first featured in the old JT back in July 2003 that pointed out the fairly obvious fact that, at the very least, Savile wasn't someone you'd want within a million miles of your kids and Mr Editor sir, could you make sure you throw in the bonus gag about Jack White?



John Paul’ll fix it!  "Howsabout that then?"etc. ad nauseam
"Moves to canonise a former Scottish factory girl have won the backing of veteran television presenter Sir Jimmy Savile" BBCNEWS OL, 12th July,2003.

"Good evenin’ guys ‘n’ gals and welcome again to my show, where yours truly, Supreme Pontiff, The Vicar of Christ and all that, attempt to fix it for the good people who write into the show.

I have here, in my hand, a letter from a young man, Jimmy Savile, and this is what he say :"Dear Pope, As a young boy, I was mortally ill, until my mother, The Duchess, as I called her, prayed for a divine intercession through the memory of Mary Sinclair.

Could you fix it for me to make Mary Sinclair a saint on account of how she saved my life, allowing me to grow up to entertain all the guys ‘n’ gals with my slightly sinister overly-friendly schtick that produced a vague sense of unease among viewers especially when I sat close to kids on my show what used to be on the telly, goodness gracious, howsabout that then, guys ‘n’ gals."



…and young Jimmy goes on for a bit more, guys ‘n’ gals, about the amount of work he’ll be doing for charity in the next month and provides a detailed timetable so camera crews can capture on film the quiet dedication of a man what does not like to make a big fuss about how he helps people…
Well, young Jim, I’ve had a word with the powers that be, as it were, and it turns out that saving a life through divine intercession is normally a supportive factor in the beatification process. But, bad news I’m afraid, it doesn’t count if the person whose life is saved, turns out to be a gimlet-eyed twat who creeps everyone out. So no can do, little Jimmy, but we will be sending you a Stylophone and a Spacehopper to make up for it…

Now then, now then, moving on. I have here another letter, this time, from a young man called Tony Blair who asks: "Dear Pope, Could you fix it for me so that people don’t think I’m lying my fuckin’ head off about WMD."

Now then, now then, young Tony, what do you think I am, a miracle worker?

Inside: Other Showbiz news! "White Stripes cancel T in The Park because Jack White’s broken a finger, making it impossible to play guitar.."  Wait a minute, since when has Jack White been able to play the guitar?

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

How Journalism works (sometimes)



One news organisation, but my, the walls between sections must be so high!


On the BBC England website a happy, fluffy-wuffy feature on English Northerners happily living and working in Scotland. Their number includes one Andrew Dickson, head of arts body, Creative Scotland.
 He tells the Beeb, (English varient): http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-tyne-19884400
"Working in Newcastle was an absolute dream but what you have here is access - today I've had meetings with three Scottish cabinet minsters.

"It's a small nation and one where politicians take an overview of everything that's happening.

"If you're sat in the North of England, Westminster seems a long way away - here it's a short walk of 10 minutes down the road to Holyrood."

Perhaps no space then to record the news, featured on the BBC Scotland website, that Mr Dixon's handling of the arts sector has triggered a critical letter from 100 prominent artists in Scotland. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-19880871

Anyway, nice to see him finding the time out of his busy schedule to make nice with the BBC.Even if it is just the English bit.

Inside: The English feature is actually about people from Newcastle, which reminds me of the old gag:"What do you  call a Scotsman with brain damage? A geordie."
Its the way I mackem!








Monday, 8 October 2012

WORLD EXCLUSIVE:NEIL HAS GROWN WOMB!

In what can only be the most obvious explanation for his contribution to the abortion debate, sources close to Alex Neil confirmed that its probable that the porcine faced heath minister has in fact undergone a change of gender and grown a womb!
And, in a world first, scientists produce an MCP that actually looks like a P.












"Its the only possible explanation" an expert told The JT. "Here's a man  supposedly, with no medical qualifications or experience confidently mouthing off about reducing the time limit on abortions.Neil must have some credibility in making these statements so therefore we can only conclude that we now must start calling her  Alexa."

Friday, 5 October 2012

Smile and the world smiles with you...

"Its being so cheerful that keeps me going"









In a wide-ranging interview with The JT, ex-public audit tsar Robert Black raised doubts over the long-term viability of the Scottish government universal approach to benefits. 

Mr Black covered the issue of free bus passes for the over 60s but failed to address the real burning question: why is he so fuckin' hot?

 Mr Black, now in retirement, pursues his hobby as a male stripper as part of the  accountancy-themed"Double Entry" troupe who get the ladies hot and wet whenever they perform at hen-nights.
While acknowledging that the free prescription policy pursued by the current administration was popular, Mr Black questioned whether the expenditure could be justified given that current and future spending rounds were likely to be tight. 

Never mind the spending round, readers wanted to know what bits of Robert were really tight. Mr Black declined to comment on that issue but did confirm that he had to fight the bitches off with a shitty stick being so hot. Mr Black takes his career to a new level next year  when he debuts his stand-up comic routine.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

What the fuck?

We normally apply a self-denying ordnance around here when it comes to reporting stuff from Near-Foreign- i.e. That England, but I just couldn't resist  this.
Below we see Labour leader Ed Miliband addressing the UK party conference in Manchester.

 Now, ignore the fact that the screen grab makes him look like he's enjoying being kissed in a very special and private way and check out the girl to his left. What the fuck is the design on her top? Two devils? Two cats? Perhaps the whole thing's been set up to distract attention away from the fact that Ed, whatever his many virtues,always looks and talks like the Head Boy wishing the headmaster a long and happy retirement on behalf of the whole school. 

Against the competition, provided by Ed, our own political class of now grown up school swots look positively well- hard. Anyway, if you can offer any additional i insight on what on earth this wumman's wearing, send us a postcard.



Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Aberdeen man in touching tribute to humanity's endemic stupidity


Head in bin man William Middleton:

 'I was looking for my brain which was inside

 my head when it fell off'.

Man with head stuck in binWilliam Middleton was rescued by firefighters after being stuck in the bin for about 20 minutes, he was then taken to A and E where he was made to sit beside kids with kitchen pots stuck on their heads.

Thursday, 27 September 2012

Good evening Brighton!

Off, dear reader, to That Brighton for the weekend, with the memsahib. VFR mission don't you know.
Anyway, cop a load of the name of this Brighton pub I found on That Google. I'll tell you what: either this phrase has a completely different meaning down there OR it must really kick off when the Old Firm's playing.
 Extra marketing points BTW for allowing your pub to feature on Google with a Nanbretta parked outside. Thatsa  spicy demographic you wanta attract!

See you on the other side. Unless you're a JT reader living in Brighton. In which case- Hi, can you give me money?

"Evening landlord, a pint of your best fenian blood please"

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

From The BBC: A headline positively Sherlockian in its no-shit-edness....


Thank God we have reports like this.
 Otherwise, we'd all think that the daily evidence we see of widespread piebetes was all just  in our fuckin' heads.

Inside: Oh look, I appear to have invented a new word:edness. Clever me.