New report findings not new, old report finds...

According to a report published this week, Scotland's older universities fail potential students from poorer backgrounds by not letting them in.
This has all been covered before in the old JT. Evidence of the age of our report is evidenced by a reference to Paisley University, which has now been rebranded, as everyone knows, as The University of Poundlandia.

One in ten students at St.Andrews, "oiks",  disturbing report finds.
Research published this week reveals that one in ten of St. Andrews University students are working class. The findings are likely to spark a determined effort on the part of university authorities to address the situation . A spokesburser told The JT: "This situation can not be allowed to continue. I’ve already instructed staff to find the names of the working class students and they’ll be expelled forthwith." Alone among the Scottish varsity community, St. Andrews has committed itself to an unique policy of social inclusion: "We take great care to ensure that the university’s intake reflect the make-up of the wider community, by that we mean the wider community of the Home Counties." The report singles out Paisley University for successfully recruiting among the more disadvantaged although student retention remains a problem as the Buddie-based Principal now explains: "We tend to find that a lot of students from the schemes start on a Monday and vanish by the following Friday, usually accompanied by the entire PC complement of the Learning Labs going missing at the same time. Perhaps there’s a connection but I haven’t worked it out yet."
Inside: Typical St.Andrews student bemoans  academic hardship.  Skiing holidays to Gstaad  cruelly limited to less fashionable early season jaunts.