Thursday, 29 November 2012

And as

the renovation of the Bruce statue at Bannockburn continues, the craftsman concerned grows ever more desperate to make conversation with his client.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

St. Andrews University:a statement

Faced with media reports of the university's continuing failure to recruit students from deprived areas, a spokesgown for St.Andrews told The JT:  "We're going to make a determined effort to make the university a more welcoming place. We accept that the current design of the university coat of arms may be somewhat off-putting to potential students from poorer backgrounds":

However, the spokesgown insisted that the university would not relax its stringent entrance requirements:" We will not relax our stringent entrance requirements. Students from deprived areas are urged to gain an education at a minor English public school, have parents who are  fuckin' loaded and ski every year in Gstaad."

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Well done BBC Scotland!

No, really, the suits have played a blinder in sacking Iain Macdonald, the corp's Highlands reporter. 
Iain, according to reports, has been with the station for 30 odd years, but he's now deemed surplus to requirements, and I for one shall mourn his passing.
 In a sea of bland, airbrushed tailors' dummies united only in their weird intonation-  MAkinG every SENtence A bewildeRING Homeric odyssey in a search for meaning, Iain stood out. Not only because he delivered English that was clear, unfussy and just  told the story but also because Iain looked like a real human being.
 How can I put this without seeming unkind? We may often remark that someone's face looks lived in, Iain's coupon looks like someone broke in and wrecked the joint. But, at least you could imagine having a pint with Iain. With some of the cyborgs reporterbots that have survived the cuts, you wouldn't want to risk having their circuits interact with liquid. 
As Highland Peter remarked this morning, the "need" to make cuts at BBC Scotland doesn't seem to reach the Lets Follow Andy Murray Around The World jollies that some BBC staff are given to enjoy. Its an ill-divided world right enough, a fact that Mr Macdonald has cruel acquaintance with.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

From The BBC:" Two pasties, a sausage roll and some millionaire's shortbread please, hen."

 A  Labour MSP who shouted "you're out of order" at Holyrood's presiding officer has been suspended for "gross discourtesy".
Michael McMahon was banned from the chamber for the day for his comments to Tricia Marwick on Wednesday evening.Mind you, if the photo accompanying this story is anything to go by, its Greggs the fat twat wants banning from...
Michael McMahon
Inside: Fancy a fat sweaty cop then? Oh, go on have two:

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Smile and the world smiles with you...

or alternatively, don't give a fuck. 
Lifetime winner of the JK Rowling "I'll scowl if I want to Challenge Cup", your Princess and mine, Anne at yesterday's Murrayfield game.

And, if you could look at that without thinking of this, then rest assured your knghthhood's probably  in the post...

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Its official! He is a fat shark!

Whatever the head-set equivalent  of a cap fitting is, this is it. 
BTW, if you watch the full clip at BBC News, you'll see The Dear Leader whipping the head-set off sharpish, presumably as realisation dawned. 

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

"Testing, testing, one, two, three..." (From The BBC)

The chairman of Stow College in Glasgow has resigned after a row over a recorded conversation on a device branded a "spy-pen".
Kirk Ramsay is stepping down, blaming an "unwarranted personal attack" by Education Secretary Mike Russell.
It is thought Mr Ramsay will now be free to pursue his dream career -selling security surveillance products at his local Maplins
Mr Ramsay told The JT:" I never really wanted to be a chairman of a Stow College. I've always been fascinated by covert surveillence and secretly recording conversations. Maplins is a market leader in this field and I look forward to advising customers on the benefits of applying hidden or disguised recording devices in  sensitive situations.Its always wise to record these exchanges because it speeds up the process of getting fired later." 
Mr Ramsay then invited The JT's editor to speak closely into a flower pinned to his lapel but the editor wasn't going to fall for that old trick.
Mr Ramsay now free to dress as he wishes.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

The classical description for

a  big flock of starlings in flight  is a murmuration.

The non-classical description for a big flock of starlings in flight  is fuckin' hunners.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

JT exclusive! (From The BBC)

SNP leader Alex Salmond said he was proud to be Scotland's longest-serving first minister but he had no intention of going "on and on" in the post.
In interviews with the BBC, the politician added he had no immediate plans to "depart the scene" with the independence referendum due in 2014. In interviews with The JT he  added that he intends to depart the post of FM just before Hell freezes the fuck over, or Scotland manages to qualify for a international soccer tournament. Whatever happens first. The smart money's on the Hell thing.

Monday, 5 November 2012

"Why Mr Darcy, among polite society in Coatbridge the talk is of little else..."

This is a real thing apparently.
Its a Buckie bottle turned into a clock. Why is this even a thing? (Thanks to Highland Pete for the heid's up).

Sunday, 4 November 2012

The towering intellect that is Peter Houston

For those of you lucky enough not to be Scottish and/or interested in fitba', Peter Houston is manager at Dundee United. 
Peter also serves as assistant manager of the national team- that's "Scotland, no passport required." Peter is good friends with "under-fire" (etc) Scotland manager Craig Levein and, well, just check out the paragraph below taken from Peter's interview with Skintland on Sunday

Now, let us assume that the hack putting the interview together did a quick edit and therefore  that this extract is actually more coherent than Peter's original reasoning. 
Anyone who can work out the logic in Peter's argument really needs to award themselves a big fuckin' clock. Really.
Anyway, the quote reads: "But I think it’s too easy for a lot more people to express their opinions now. Every club has a forum and then there are the phone-ins and, although people are entitled to their opinion, the problem comes when we give them too much credence. Unfortunately it’s often the same few people and some of them don’t even go to the games, they just see a scoreline and make a judgment on that. Even those who have been at the game and are screaming about so and so not starting don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes."

So, by Peter's reasoning you can't have an opinion on the match if you're weren't there and you can't have an opinion if you did attend. Okay. That makes perfect sense if you append to Peter's argument :"Oanybuddy who wants ma pal Craig sacked can jist fuck the fuck aff!"
See? It now makes perfect sense.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

What next? Melting clocks? (From The BBC)

Highland cow

Highland bull makes Halloween visit

Residents in a South Lanarkshire street call in animal welfare officers after finding a Highland bull in their garden on Halloween.The bull was accompanied by Renee Magritte who insisted:"Ce n'est pas un taureau."