Sunday, 30 June 2013

Oh, naughty, naughty Skintsman!

The picture editor over by could've gone with anything to paste in on an item about licensing lap-dancing clubs, but here's what actually got published. Its just captions itself, so have fun with it do. As for lap dancing clubs- will that catch on? Dancing about in all that reindeer fur doesn't seem that erotic to be honest...

Lap dance venue licence consultation launched

Kenny MacAskill: Sexual entertainment licence consultation launch. Picture: Greg Macvean
"No, still not getting it, get her to dance again."

Thursday, 27 June 2013

With friends like these etc (From The BBC)

Fisherman rescued from

 mud at Loch Eigheach

A fisherman has been rescued after getting stuck waist-deep in mud for four-and-a-half hours.
A total of 26 firefighters helped to free the 73-year-old after he sank into mud at the side of Loch Eigheach in Perthshire.
The man got into difficulty while fishing with friends between Rannoch Lodge and Rannoch power station.
He had already been stuck for three hours before the group called for help at about 14:00 and was freed at 15:30. 
The "group" later told The JT:"At the three hour mark, the pleasure in watching him struggle had begun to pall somewhat so we thought, what the hell, time to call for help or something. Whatever, right?"

Monday, 24 June 2013

Privatization:The people's choice (From The Hardup)

SCOTLAND'S first national park is at the centre of a war of words over suggestions that greater commercialisation is the key to securing its existence for future generations.
The row was sparked after Fiona Logan, chief executive of Loch Lomond and The Trossachs National Park, said there was potential for greater involvement of the private sector, sponsorship from local businesses and contributions from visitors in the form of donations and charges.
Miss Logan later told The JT:" Commercialisation is the way forward for the Park. If people in Scotland can't see the benefit then we might have to fully privatize the assets and perhaps move the area's lochs and mountain somewhere abroad."
 Responding to criticism that privatization of publicly owned assets hadn't all turned out for the best in the past, Miss Logan said:"I worked in the private sector for many years, I had my own desk,a laptop, a smart suit and everything. So you can just fuck off."

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Wait for it, wait for it...(From The BBC)

Tory leader Ruth Davidson knocked back by barman

ungest political leader
The leader of the Scottish Conservatives was refused alcohol at a Bruce Springsteen concert - because the barman did not believe she was over 18.
Ruth Davidson was at the concert in Hampden Park in Glasgow on Tuesday evening with the Tory MP David Mundell.
She went to the bar to buy Mr Mundell a beer but did not have any ID when the barman queried her age.
Annabel Goldie had no such problem being served, and the barman even asked for her autograph, saying:"I've always wanted to meet Dennis Law."

Monday, 17 June 2013

From The Hardup:Yes, this will definitely work...

Call for phone and web votes to boost turnout

The Electoral Commission should consider introducing internet and phone voting to boost turnout at elections, a Holyrood report has said.
The Local Government Committee has recommended that the commission, alongside the Scottish Government, looks at alternatives to traditional voting, and takes opportunities to test out new methods.
The recommendation comes after the committee examined the 2012 local government elections, which had a voter turnout of just 39.8%. 
A Holyrood source told The JT:"We're keen to try out new methods of engaging with an electorate that couldn't give a fuck basically, so when the ideas outlined above don't work, we'll be taking our engagement agenda to a whole new level." 
The agenda, code-named:"Fuck it ,we've tried everything else" will include a raft of new voting platforms using a Ouija board.It is thought that generations of Scots, currently asleep in their places of rest until the Day Of Judgement, can be persuaded to arise from their tombs and float spectre -like along to the voting station.The dead will be targeted with a tailored program of promotional messages including:"Scotland's future:be part of it, if only in a non-material sense" and  "Vote.What else have you got to do?"
Our source continued:"After contacting the dead doesn't work,we'll try contacting the un-dead if a volunteer comes forward to go to Coatbridge."
Our expert in all things, Professor Beaker of Abertay's Centre For The Study Of Anything We Can get Funding For, told us:" Politics is essentially people , the men in suits, the women in designer humphie, talking to each other about policy detail no one else outside politics is interested in. What politicians fail to realise is that while they find politics endlessly fascinating,the rest of us don't."

Saturday, 15 June 2013

Arise, Sir whoever the fuck you are (partially from The BBC)

Stephen House, the chief constable of Police Scotland, is recognized for services to law and order.Scotland's top police officer has been knighted in the Queen's Birthday Honours.
Mr House told The JT:"Apparently at some stage in the past, I did something really great which is why I'm being honoured. At the moment I can't think what the fuck it was but, never mind, its all good right?"
Stephen House
"So, how does this  knight thing work? Do I get a horse or what?"

Friday, 14 June 2013

Diced caps aff!

To the headline scribbler at McAuntie for this cracker:

Just needs one tiny little edit:

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

We have been here before and will be again...(From The Skintman)

ARTS quango Creative Scotland plans to go back to the drawing board to produce a new blueprint for its future, The Scotsman has learned.
New chief executive Janet Archer will be given 12 months to produce a new vision statement for the organisation – after plans to amend the existing one were quietly shelved.

Monday, 10 June 2013

I blame the schools...

According to the hack writing BBC Scotland's news website headlines, Charlie's bag for life, Camilla, is set to be "unveiled" as Aberdeen Yooni's  new chancellor today.
 A term that rather conjures up the image of a white sheet being pilt doon  to reveal Cammie Old Gel  perched rather precariously on a plinth. 
Anyway, let's all hope there no mix up with the stock shot ordered up from the BBC photo library.

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Rockall? Not at all...

Rockall Nick abandons record attempt

Nick HancockNick Hancock said he would not be making a second attempt this year

Related Stories

Scottish adventurer Nick Hancock has said he will not be returning to Rockall this year.
His bid to break the record for living alone on the tiny, remote Atlantic rock ended before it began on Friday when heavy seas stopped him leaving his boat.
But, on a brighter note,The Guinness Book of Records has confirmed that Nick has smashed the previous record for failing to get onto Rockall.

Monday, 3 June 2013

This just in...

With a survey revealing that a majority of young Scots would vote no in the independence referendum, First Minister Alex Salmond gives a typically measured and thoughtful response: