Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Review of a year like no other

in that 2014 as a year is historically unique. As will 2015 be and so on and so forth...

January

There's no easy way to say this, so let's just get it out there: Michaela likes black cock.

While watching

the BBC's broadcast from The Cairngorms in search of innocent diversion, I was shocked, shocked, upset and distressed to hear Winterwatch's Michaela Strachan make an very off colour comment on air. I was so shocked and distressed that I had to go to i-player and play the clip again with the subs on.

















I've a good mind to put my foot through the universe and send the BBC the  bill.
Intriguingly, her co-presenter's remark:"We promise you black cock on the internet" went untitled, but you can run the show on i-player and play it at about 5 minutes in so you can be as disgusted as I was.
What a blind person just listening in would've made of this filth doesn't bear thinking about...
Our thoughts are with any distressed blind people at this difficult time and our hearts go out to them.
February
And this from The Skintperson. Altogether now, sheep shagging bastards, you're only sheep shagging bastards...












March
Smile, though inside you're aching...

Making The Best Of Things- Number 1

Ally McCoist and Lee McCulloch celebrate the massive achievement of Rangers winning the League One race
                                                                                                                                
     
April
God, he's just so fuckin' hot...

SUNDAY, 20 APRIL 2014


One for the ladies, God bless them...

Women-only 

Scottish cabinet event

Angela Constance and Shona Robison"Gosh, Alex is so dreamy isn't he?" "Mmm, yes, I'd do him in a fuckin' heartbeat..."

RELATED STORIES

The Scottish government has announced a women-only Scottish cabinet event to debate issues related to the independence referendum.
 Having just seen two women conveniently elected to the SNP Cabinet, a spokespatroniser told The JT:
" Its important to have a women only event so the girls can have a good old chin wag without having to worry about whose going to get the tea ready for the men..."
May
The Scotsman reported that fall in crime not due to police stop and search...
















June
So farewell Tel, again...

Hibs crisis latest: So farewell then Tel...




July
Ahem...

Commonwealth Games special- Camerons win Looking Confused gold!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

.

September
We're aff tae sunny Spain...tae meet a Pathetic Shark...




Things we learned on holiday.
  • Airlines now manage a fleet of creches flying at 37000 feet and stuffed full of screaming fuckin' kids going into meltdown. These creches are also known as aircraft. Toddlers aren't meant to be stuck in a metal tube or hours on end as part of a "holiday". Toddlers are the reason God invented camping holidays...
  • The obesity crisis is all too apparently European -wide.
  • Germans appear to suffer from a little known condition called reverse anorexia.
  • All of human life is here represented from beautiful people fresh off the front page of Model Monthly and others fresh of the front cover of Monsters Today.
  • A bikini, or indeed a pair of tight swim trunks, doesn't magically do away with  the16 stones of fat.
  • In a hot climate its vitally important to drink at least 3 litres of water. To ensure karmic balance make very sure to drink similar amounts of lager...
When a Spanish chef assures you that the soup is vegetarian, he means its made from vegetarians.
October
Do come in Gordon, Doctor Reality will see you now...


And finally, at the age of 63, Gordon suddenly experienced enlightenment...                                                 


November
Fuckin' hell, Kenny, that's a bit harsh..

Blimey Kenny, I mean Gabs is no Einstein but...

this is a bit harsh...

                                                                                                
 December  
Finally, in a crowded field of potential candidates, a late entry, but deserved winner in the awards category I've just made up, Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the winner of the Complete Waste Of Genetic Material Award.http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-glasgow-west-30641705
                                                                                             

Sunday, 14 December 2014

Year of revelations for Jim Murphy

The new Labour leader in Scotland, Jim Murphy, spoke exclusively to The JT this week, revealing how this year has been one of personal revelations. Pausing only to adjust his Celtic top Mr Murphy said:"Apparently there's this philosophy called socialism that people in The Labour Party used to espouse. Its all about the working class controlling the means of production so I would like to put it on record that I'm definitely a socialist." 

It remains now only for Mr Murphy to slightly tweak the central tenets of the ideology to bring them into line with his personal political beliefs. "As a long term supporter of nuclear arms I will now reframe my position to state that workers should control the means of mass destruction, with the workers in this instance being the military and the US arms industry."

Inside: All together now: "Arise ye Trident missiles from your slumber..." 

Monday, 8 December 2014

From The BBC, who really should know better...

Winter weather preparations

 in place

GritterGritters have been out across the country to help in efforts to keep roads clear

Related Stories

Transport Minister Derek Mackay has inspected preparations to deal with winter weather as snow, ice and strong winds affected Scotland. 
Mr Mackay, who, if his Wikipedia entry is to be believed, has never had a job outside politics, told The JT:"I've inspected the gritting lorries and they all to contain a load of  this grit stuff and the required number of wheels necessary to propel the vehicle forward in a controlled and efficient manner."
It is thought that the road maintenance staff will visit Holyrood later this week to "inspect" the efficacy of the democratic process and sign off on it.
Inside: Here's a link to his Wikipedia hingmay, if you can find evidence of a hand being turned award yourself a big clock:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derek_Mackay

Monday, 1 December 2014

And as Nicola attempts to cover all conceivable policy bases

a day never goes fuckin' by without her going on about some fuckin' thing. Seriously bitch, give it a rest...


Thursday, 27 November 2014

Nicola, safe now

having secured the top job, could let slip the facade of studied politeness...


Monday, 24 November 2014

Kenny Mackaskill to sue BT

Government minister Kenny Mackaskill is to sue BT over loss of service on both his landline and mobile. 
He told The JT: "I've been waiting by the phone  to hear what job Nicola is offering me in the new cabinet but the phone hasn't rung once." 
Mr Mackaskill reckons the line has quite an unusual fault because there is a dialtone, "and it seems it only effects incoming calls from Nicola. I got several calls from journalists asking me to comment on being fired from the Cabinet, I don't know how these ridiculous rumours get started and I'll certainly set the journalists straight once I talked to Nicola, although she seems to be very busy because every time I try to call her, she's out."

While Mr Mackaskill waits to find out if he's to remain as Justice Minister or possibly move to a new, more senior position its very much business as usual. 
In that curious speak -your- weight monotone he affects, Mr Mackaskill said:" I will continue to discharge the duties of my post especially in tooling up the police with 9mm pistols and ensuring that corroboration is done away with allowing our boys in blue to convict more criminals who are probably guilty as hell anyway."
As we made our excuses and left Mr Mackaskill took to  shaking his mobile and shouting "Hello? Hello!" at random intervals into the mike.
"Ring you bastard,ring."


Thursday, 20 November 2014

Thank you, thank you, he'll be here all week...

Great gag shared by Thunder Bay Pete.
Don't forget to tip the waitress.

A man goes into Waterstones and asks the young lady assistant, 
“Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?”
She replies, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”
“That’s the one; I’ll take a copy…”

Sunday, 2 November 2014

Jim Murphy resigns to campaign and possibly re-train...

Jim Murphy has resigned his shadow cabinet role to campaign for the post of Labour leader in Scotland. He told The JT :" Yeh the thing is right, it looks like my Westminster seat might be on a shoogly nail so I'm looking for an exit strategy."

It is understood that Mr Murphy is concerned that if he fails to become Scottish leader, he loss of his East Renfrewshire seat might result in him having no money. 
" I might have to rethink my career, possibly I'd need to re-train or look for a new field of work." 
Mr Murphy did ask if there were any jobs going at The JT but backed off when told of the salary and the hours- both with a null value.

Thursday, 30 October 2014

Yes, this photo from The BBC definitely needs an edit...

Miliband due at Scots Labour dinner

Labour's UK leader Ed Miliband will attend a gala dinner in Glasgow as the process of finding a new Scottish leader continues.






Monday, 27 October 2014

From The BBC

Several likely candidates have ruled themselves out of the running to replace Johann Lamont as the new leader of the Scottish Labour Party.
MSPs Kezia Dugdale and Jenny Marra have said they will not stand in the leadership contest. 
The potential candidates told The JT that the leadership role did not appeal because they were both looking for a position with more job security, perhaps running a salad bar in Texas or testing parachutes bought out of Poundland...

Saturday, 25 October 2014

So farewell then Johann, we hardly knew you...

No, seriously, who were you meant to be again?











"These are your orders for the coming year. Don't fuck it up, right?"

Thursday, 23 October 2014

And as The Smith Commission

swings into action, there's a real sense of what politicians fondly imagine is "urgency":


Sunday, 19 October 2014

Friday, 17 October 2014

New era dawns at Holyrood as Ms Sturgeon advises other party leaders on the need to gie them sells a guid shake...

First Minister elect Ms Nicola Sturgeon told The JT today that a new era was dawning at Holyrood.
She said:" With women heading all three major parties in the parliament, I foresee a novel, different feel to how we conduct our political life." 
Ms Sturgeon pledged to work constructively withe the women leading the other two parties. 

Of Labour's Johann Lamont Ms Sturgeon said:" Let's be honest, Johann's nae oil painting, talk about a bulldog chewing a wasp, but I will make every effort to work positively with her on issues of joint importance- how to stop her coupon souring milk for example."

Of the Conservatives' Ruth Davidson, Ms Sturgeon remarked:"She's a nice enough woman I suppose but Christ, she needs to get some beef aff that arse of hers. Have you seen it? Her left and right arse cheeks must be in different time zones."
As of Monday next it will be illegal to possess or pass on images of Helen Bonham Carter in that Tim Burton rotten remake of Planet of The Apes, just in case people look at the picture and go "Fuckin' hell! Look who it is!"


Thursday, 9 October 2014

Say what now?




















Mr Whyte pictured here after just  being told what happens to blonde-haired guys with pretty mouths in prison...

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Dutch rail group delighted to find out they've won something

 A spokesdutchieonthelefthandside for Dutch rail group Abellio expressed delight today on being informed that the company had won the contract to run Scottish trains. 
The spokesetc commented:"For real? We won?. What is it were are winning?"

It is understood that the company's bid team had got a bit baked prior to the final bid being submitted, and the last thing the team remember is firing up another fat boy and chilling out to some cool jazz.
The company's plan for Scottish trains include new rolling stock, mainly Rizlas...

Monday, 29 September 2014

Try to calculate

the number of levels  in just-wrongness this exercise in van-based marketing manages to attain- I stopped counting at infinity plus one...



Sunday, 21 September 2014

This week on Ootlandish

Jamie and Claire get married to save Claire from the Perfidious English but the real story is to be found elsewhere...


Friday, 12 September 2014

Spotted in Cala D'or

Pathetic shark on holiday...
























Things we learned on holiday.

  • Airlines now manage a fleet of creches flying at 37000 feet and stuffed full of screaming fuckin' kids going into meltdown. These creches are also known as aircraft. Toddlers aren't meant to be stuck in a metal tube or hours on end as part of a "holiday". Toddlers are the reason God invented camping holidays...
  • The obesity crisis is all too apparently European -wide.
  • Germans appear to suffer from a little known condition called reverse anorexia.
  • All of human life is here represented from beautiful people fresh off the front page of Model Monthly and others fresh of the front cover of Monsters Today.
  • A bikini, or indeed a pair of tight swim trunks, doesn't magically do away with  the16 stones of fat.
  • In a hot climate its vitally important to drink at least 3 litres of water. To ensure karmic balance make very sure to drink similar amounts of lager...
  • When a Spanish chef assures you that the soup is vegetarian, he means its made from vegetarians.

Friday, 29 August 2014

No idea how this is even possible...

Oh, wait...
Tram and bus crash
A bus and a tram have collided during the rush hour in Edinburgh.
The accident happened on West Maitland Street at about 07:45. Both vehicles were travelling east towards Princes Street. A spokescmongetaff told The JT, "In all our years of scenario planning never did we imagine that a tram could collide with a vehicle that's not a tram. How weird is that?"

Friday, 22 August 2014

Malky Mackay

is a racist, homophobic, misogynist dick wad...
Nae offence Malky, its just banter...

Pictured: a dick wad

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Sunday, 10 August 2014

Wow, slow news day

According to The Skinstman, supermarkets are passing off Norwegian salmon as Scottish...
Wow, puts all those deaths in Gaza in perspective doesn't it?



Thursday, 7 August 2014

No, I'm fine, I've just something in my eye...

"And who are going to be for us tonight Nicola?"
"Tonight Matthew, I'm going to stick this beard on and be Aly Bain..."


Friday, 1 August 2014

Heartwarming Hampden

As wonderful as the scenes were following Child's medal, with everyone singing along to Five Hundred, maximum respect must go out to Eilidh herself, who, despite being a massive Jambo, managed to get through the 'Claimers song without feigning being sick. 

Heartwarming...


Wednesday, 30 July 2014

New Commonwealth Game












Team sniper event. Team members atop the grassy knoll attempt to change world history in competition with team positioned in book depository. Winning team receive gold medal and are killed by Jack Ruby some days later.

Friday, 25 July 2014

Note to the Welsh...

Don't pick fights with kids fae Motherwell who really, really like fighting...

"Right, which wan o' you cunts is next? Jist come ahead like etc"

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

From The BBC , but somewhat embroidered...

Glasgow Science Centre tower open after smoking cable alert

Glasgow Science Centre TowerThe Science Centre tower is the tallest fully rotating tower in the world

Related Stories

Glasgow Science Centre tower has opened as normal after fire crews were called on Tuesday to tackle a smoking cable.
A member of the public spotted smoke coming from the lift motor room after the tower had closed on Tuesday night.
A spokesspoke told The JT:" I can confirm that the tower is perfectly safe and will remain so until whatever the fuck goes wrong with the fucker next."
The search is now on from someone mental enough or with suicidal thoughts willing to risk death by buying a ticket. "That ticket machine had all sparks flying out of it the other day" our source confirmed, that's something else to stay away from..."

Monday, 21 July 2014

Wait for it,(From The BBC)

Coffee served in Glasgow is stronger than brews in Italy and Spain, according to new research.
Researchers in all three countries said their findings had implications for people who needed to watch their caffeine intake.
They said counting how many cups you drank could not be used to measure how much caffeine you were consuming. The researchers confirmed to the JT that, at the moment,their findings could only be presented verbally, but a written report would follow just as soon as their hands stop shaking...